amazing

You make me laugh. I have a feeling we have lots of fun in our future.
xoxo
Mama

A bursting heart.

Your here! Today is the last day of your 10th week; I can hardly believe that you have been around that long. We are finally settling in to a good rhythm, but it has taken some getting used to. Even after this many weeks I still find myself overwhelmed at the idea of delving into the details and emotions of your arrival and the impact you have made on my life. So many nights after your birth I laid in my bed planning out how I would tell you about the day you were born. I want to recount the details perfectly, before it all slips away. I wonder if you will ever ask me to tell you again about the day you were born.
Just before you arrived a friend told me that I would never understand how much my parents loved me until you were born, and then I would be blown away to think that anyone ever loved me as much as I love you. She was right. I never knew my heart could be this full. I had no idea that I would ever be able to love someone like I love you. My heart aches just thinking of you, across the hall, sleeping to peacefully, smelling so sweet. I turn on the monitor just to have one more look before I fall asleep every night. We have been apart a few times, only when I feel like I might need a little mama time. The entire time am gone I am only thinking of you, wanting to get back to you, imagining your sweet smile in my mind's eye. How can this be? How is it possible that I love you this much? Will you ever know? Yes, when your daughter is born you will finally understand that love that fills my heart every time you smile at me.

A labor of love.

You were conceived in Mexico on our honeymoon. I am sure there will be a day that this information will make you cringe, so I am sorry in advance: proceed with the "ewwww". I will never forget that day that I found out I was pregnant, your Papa was white as a ghost in total disbelief, I sat on the floor in the kitchen and thought even then that I would always remember how I felt in that moment. I was never scared; I was always ready to be your mama.
On November 1, 2009 during a quick shopping trip, you made it known that you were ready to be my baby. Dr. Spooner had already scheduled me to be induced the following day, you were a week late, I was big as a house and we were all ready for you to arrive. Strangely, when the doctor told me I would be induced I was upset. I didn't want you to be rushed, I wanted you to come in your own time, on your own terms, and so you can imagine my excitement when my water broke at the Baby Gap. I made it to the bathroom to stuff my pants with paper towels so that I could make it out of the store without too much attention. I made it over to the store where mom and Catherine were shopping; it was 2:30pm. I let them know (quietly) that they should make their purchases quickly so that we could get closer to home. I went to get the car, pulled it up to the door and mom came running with plastic shopping bags for me to sit on. Off we went to the hospital. I called your papa; he was in disbelief, he arranged for someone to come to the store so he could leave and quickly made his way to Plano to meet me. Once I arrived they confirmed that my water had in fact broken and immediately hooked up a fetal monitor to check on your status. I was having some mild contractions; they were about 5-6 minutes apart. Soon your papa arrived and found me in Labor & Delivery.
By 5:00pm Dr. Spooner gave my nurse the clear to start pitocin to help increase my contractions and move things along I was only dilated to 4 and not making much progress. Once the pitocin started you got a little stressed. Your heart rate dropped, the nurses were concerned and elected to stop the drugs until we could both get things back to normal. Your papa and I got a little sleep, my labor had nearly stopped, it was clear that I was going to need some help to get things going again.
The nurses were instructed to start the pitocin again at 2:00am after my water had been broken for 12 hours. On the second round things got going pretty quickly. The contractions came fast and hard. I was focused on Jaime, trying to breath through the pain. I had decided early in my pregnancy that I wanted to try to deliver without drugs. I was open to the option of an epidural, but I wanted to see what the fuss was all about first and see if I could manage it. After 3 hours of contractions (45 minutes of serious ones with lots of pain) I opted for drugs as I knew that without them I would not be able to truly experience this event as I would be completely consumed with the pain. With in minutes of my request a CRNA arrived and began his handy work. It was only a few minutes after that when my toes went numb, then my legs and soon the pain of the contractions were merely a slight pressure in my lower abdomen. It was sure to be smooth sailing from here. After that things started moving quickly. I was dilating slowly but consistently.
That morning when the nurses changed over I was at 6-7 and by noon I was at 10. I continued to breathe through contractions, they were fast, only about a minute apart; and they were big. Even with the drugs I was in a lot of pain. I got into a good rhythm of breathing and counting with Jaime and mom, I was able to manage the pain and the clock ticked by quickly with every contraction. Dr. Spooner arrived at 1:00. I will never forget her words or the expression on her face. She walked in and asked how I was doing. I quickly said, "I need to push, now." She seemed relaxed and cleared the room so she could check my progress to see how things were going and get an idea of where you were. I don't think she thought I would be as far along because almost immediately after putting on her glove she began raising the bed. She told me the nurse would be coaching be through pushing. She moved to the other side of the room, began some paper work feverishly and put on her coat, gloves and mask. She came back to me and the work began. I pushed my heart out. I remember watching your papa for any indication as to how things were going. I remember thinking that this would be one of the last moments of my life, as I know it. I remember being so excited at the thought that in just minutes I would be holding my daughter.
At 2:02pm on November 2, 2009 you arrived with a soft cry. Your eyes were so big and your face pink and round. I only saw you for a moment before they took you away to the warming try. The NICU team had been called in because you were born face up and the forceps were used. They checked you out and confirmed that you were fine. Once everyone cleared out he nurse brought you to me to nurse. We were compatible from the first moment we met. You latched on with no trouble; you stared at me intently the entire time. I couldn’t stop smiling as tears rolled down my cheek. You're perfect; ten fingers, ten toes and the sweetest face a mother could dream of. You would be going to the nursery for your first bath and blood work. Papa went with you, video camera and silly grin in tow. I took a short nap, had some graham crackers in juice and took inventory of my mid-section. I am sure I will be thanking you for that for years to come.
Later I was moved to a post-partum room where we would spend the next 2 days becoming a family. Soon your papa arrived to show me the video of your first bath. I will never forget the look of love on his face, for you and for me. He looked down at me in the bed and said, "You are the most amazing women I have ever known". I think he was impressed with what you and I had just pulled off, see we were a good team from the start.

The Land of Oz!

By request, I have included some nursery photos. Everything is ready, now all we need is a baby!

the crib, complete with my handmade dust ruffle.

the mobile, reminiscent of the hot air balloon scene from Wizard of Oz

original photos from the filming of Oz, courtesy of Nana

the changing table, with vintage milk bottles

Her dressers and bookshelves, filled with favorite reads from Jaime's and my childhood. She also has her own lyre chair, already and Alpha Chi in the making!

the granny bed, ready for all the grannies to visit.

thanks to granny Rose for the complete collection of limited edition Wizard of Oz barbie dolls (they even sing!)

the nook, a perfect place for snuggling and love, complete with a window seat for the dogs!

her closet is packed!!

the rubber duckie bath room

and rubber duckie soaps and towels

this girl already has more product than me!

we call this an HBA addiction!

SAHM status initiated...

It’s official; I am on maternity leave, though no baby yet to take care of. Yesterday was her official due date, she didn’t even make a wiggle. She just hung out, did her usual thing and gave me no inkling of labor. Wouldn’t it have been cool for her to come on her due date?
Today marks my first day on my own. Jaime was off yesterday so it just felt like a long weekend, but today I officially feel like a (baby-less) SAHM. I know once she is here I will be busy, but in the mean time I am looking for anything and everything to keep me busy. I have done so much nesting on the last 6 weeks or so that most of my projects are complete, now it is just maintenance. I run the vacuum everyday, I have the cleanest bathrooms in town, I do dishes, I am even crafting in the evenings. This baby better get here soon or I may start a bigger project, one that Jaime will have to participate in and that can’t be good.
The dogs seem a little confused, they are happy to be out and resting in the living room for the whole day, but I think they are probably wondering why I am not leaving them like usual. Annie seems restless. She and I have an unspoken language, I think she is picking up on my anxiety. I think she knows big change is on the way, even if she doesn’t know what it is. I wonder if dogs do know when a baby is coming. She hasn’t made any comments about my ever-growing belly, and she never judges when I eat an extra cookie. Maybe it is just the change in schedule and all of the prep work. Either way, she is in for a big surprise when Maggie shows up!

Annie & Fern

The countdown begins!

I am on the home stretch! Only 12 days left, and I find myself filled with mixed emotions. I am so anxious. I have to admit that a big part of me is just ready to get her out of there! We are running out of room on the womb and the last few weeks have been very uncomfortable. I spend most nights running back and forth to the bathroom because she has dropped and is not resting casually on my bladder. When I am not in the bathroom I am battling a serious case of heartburn; clearly I am not sleeping much.

On the other hand, I am sad to think that this part is almost over. I am sad that in just a matter of days I am going to have to let other people hold her. I will be sharing her with the world. I don't know how I will feel about that. I was just telling Jaime the other night that I can totally understand how women suffer from postpartum depression. Just the thought of her not being inside of me makes me sad. We have been so close for all this time; she has been all mine. She and I have an understanding, a language. At this rate I will never be able to let her go off to college, I'll miss her too much!

That being said; I can't wait to see her face. I am so excited to smell her neck and snuggle her. I have a good feeling we are going to have lots of time to share even once she is on the outside. I am pretty sure the bond we feel now can only get stronger.

Come on Maggie; let's get to it!
XOXO

Reality sets in...

I am officially in the home stretch. Maggie will be here in about 4 weeks (give or take). I must say I am pretty ready for her to arrive. It seems all of my friends and family that already have children failed to mention to me that the last 6 weeks or so are terrible. I have never in my life experienced this level of discomfort. There are things going on with my body (details will be spared) that no normal person could be prepared for. I can't breath, I pee a ridiculous number of times each day and my ankles...oh my ankles. They are so fat I have resorted to tight socks and ice packs to keep them to a size that is acceptable for public.

Jaime used tube socks to keep the packs on my feet. It felt so good!

The beauty of this stage (seems impossible that there is beauty in this, right?) is that she is really active and the body parts are recognizable from the outside now. The doctor confirmed last week that she is head down. She is resting on my right hipbone for now, but I am told that soon she will make her final turn in preparation for her decent into the birth canal. A few days ago at work she was really working my left rib cage over with her feet. I looked down and saw a bumping going on. I put my hand on my tummy and I felt a toe! It had to be a toe; it was like a little pencil eraser just poking it's way out right above my belly button. Most of the time she is facing my back but for just a moment she turned around and let me have it with the tiniest little baby toe! It was amazing. That night I was able to feel a whole leg, bent just a little and fishing around in my midsection. She is also very responsive to me now. If I push, she pushes back. Jaime tried to move her off my hipbone to offer me a moments relief from the constant pressure and she pushed right back into my left side, all the around to my back. She was not pleased!

With all of this final stuff going on the inside, we have also started on the final stages of prep on the outside. The nursery is nearly complete. I am only missing one major item for the wall. The clothes have been washed, the bathroom is stocked, diapers have been inventoried and butt paste has been purchased. Now all we need is a baby. We also completed our last birthing class...the scary one. We watched the videos, we learned the breathing techniques and we even put together a birth plan. I feel like we are as prepared as we can be, however the nurse did mention how she will be making her grand entrance, and I have to admit this is the first time I have really considered the reality of how this will go down. She is coming out of where?? That’s right, I have managed to avoid these thoughts for 8 months now, and sadly my period of denial has come to an end. I am going to have to push a baby out of my vagina in 4 weeks or less. She is going to come out all gooey and slimy and they may have to cut a part of my body that I have never even see for myself. Needless to say, once this reality hit, I made the call to the waxing lady to be sure that business is well under control for the big event. If we are going to make it public property for a day or more, it might as well be something nice to look at.

And while we are on the topic of grossness, do you know what happens after the baby comes out? Do you? You would think that would be the height of the trauma, but no. There is more! It’s called after birth, because it comes after the birth. It is even grosser than the baby goo, and I have to birth it too! The worst part of learning all of this was learning that my husband is very interested in seeing it. Seriously? What about placenta says photo op? He is one sick ticket.

Anyway, I am still trying to process all of this info while trying to figure out my plan for pain management and focusing very intently on NOT thinking about the exit strategy. Worst part, I can't talk to other mothers about it because all they do is tell you how awful it is. I just don't think I can swing even one more horror story about childbirth. I am just keeping my head down, working on my pre-baby to-do list and pretending like the stork is scheduled to stop by at the end of the month. Who says denial will only get you so far?