Made in Mexico.

I always thought that I would want to write to my baby when the time came for me to have my own. I thought that I would be filled with so many thoughts and emotions that they would have to spill out somewhere, and seeing as how I live and die by my mac, I could only assume that they would come out on a blog! I didn't know that it would take me 5 months to muster up the energy to get the ball rolling, therefore I am officially playing catch-up.

Today marks my 24th week of pregnancy. Today also marks the first day that I have been emotionally driven to write about this little girl growing inside of me. I think it must be because today is the first day that she will not have any part of me forgetting that she is in there. I woke up today to her hiccups, spent breakfast with some low swift kicks to my bladder, rounded out the afternoon with some chops to my right abdomen, and even now as I sit here, she is having a dance party in the middle somewhere.


Everyday is an adventure. I spent the first 8 weeks keeping it a secret and trying to forget that I there was a person in there. We had promised to keep it a secret until we were in a safe zone and felt more comfortable sharing our news and the more I thought about it, the harder it was to keep quiet. Jaime and I are avid web searchers, so we knew early on that this pregnancy, like half of all first time pregnancies, could end in miscarriage, and I just wasn't willing to take the chance of spilling the beans only to then have to tell people that I had lost the baby. We opted to wait until 14 weeks to spread the news. Extenuating circumstances presented forced us to tell a little early, but with promises that not a word would be spoken outside of that confidence.

At 9 weeks we went to see the doctor and had our first sonogram. There it was, a baby (which really just looked like a bean). It was in there, with a beating heart and everything. It was so wild! It felt real, and surreal all at once. We called it "the bean", we had code words for foods that made me noxious. Jaime ran to find things to fill my unending food fickle. It was a disaster, and he was my hero!

THE BEAN

Everyday I would take it to work with me and take it home. I would sleep with it and eat with it and run errands with it. I trudged through 4 more weeks of unending nausea and discomfort silently. We still had 6 weeks of silence to endure and I was so SICK! I have never had so much trouble with food. I quickly lost 9 lbs and I felt terrible.

Finally at 12 weeks we were ready to tell the family. We make a pilgrimage to Beeville for Easter weekend, my mom and Larry in tow. We made our moms and Mita each a t-shirt reading "Worlds best Grannie" and Worlds best Nana" and of course "Worlds best Aunt".



Once they knew, the word was out and it spread like wild fire. The next week we told our Dallas family and finally the following week I told the folks at work. It was such a relief to let that cat out of the bag!

Six weeks later the grandmas made their way to Dallas for the big reveal. We would finally know what we were having. After all the potatoes and bean burritos I had eaten it was assumed that it would be a spud for a pinto bean!

I was sure it was a boy. I really wanted a boy. Everyone says "I don't care, as long as it is healthy", but not me. I wanted it to be healthy and a boy! I had bonded with this baby as if it was a boy. I dreamt that it was a boy, I knew in my heart, it was a boy. On the 20th week early on a Friday morning we made our way to Dr. Spooner's office. First the sonographer took me and Jaime in. She did some measurements, checked the heart and brain development, assured us that everything was on track. All was well and the baby was in perfect shape and size, just as we had hoped. We asked her not to tell us. We asked to to wait until the whole crew could be in the room. She went and got the rest of our gang. Kathy, Rose, Mo, Aunt Lisa and Auntie Jane all filed in with grins. She showed us the head and feet, the little heart pumping away, the she showed us the legs, the bottom and finally the little girl parts! I cried.

MAGDALENA ROSE RIVAS
aka "Maggie"

I don't know if I cried because I had so many plans already made in my mind for a boy, or if it was more. I think I was scared, I know I am nervous. A girl? Could I do this? Girls are hard work. Girls and moms have complicated relationships. Would it take me 20+ years to get into a groove with her? Would I struggle to communicate with her, would we connect? Even now I tear up just thinking about all of these things, hoping that our path could come with a few less bumps that I had with my own mom. It seemed like it took us so long to get into the groove, I don't know if I can do it all over again from the other end.

Now the reality of my little Maggie bean has set in. She is in there growing like crazy. Amazing me everyday with her new acrobatic abilities. It seemed like I would never feel her at first, now she kicks all day every day.
Jaime talks to her every night, he feels her move once in a while and we listen to her heart beat (storkradio.com) every few days. It is the greatest sound in the world. I feel more confident, more assured of my ability to do this. I feel like if I can just keep my head up and stay focused all the scary thoughts about the endless mistakes I will inevitably make will stay out of my head.

Now, she is over 12 inches long, about 1.5 lbs and changing every day. My belly is growing every day, and I have officially gained back the 9 lbs I lost plus 3 more! Only 16 more weeks until I see her face. Just the thought makes my heart fly.